just so you know, this isn’t how I wanted it to end up. I wanted to stay together. I wanted to be the faithful girlfriend. Who loved you enough to wait for you. But to be honest, every single day I gained more and more resentment toward you. But I still loved you. I’d think of all our fights, all the fucked up shit you’d do. and I’d do too. I am by no means perfect. But I definently didn’t deserve the shit you put me through. I really thought I was going to marry you. I really thought you were the one I was gonna have kids with. I guess I realized you’ll never change. and the cold hard truth is, is I don’t love you enough to be miserable for the next 5 years. The last 9 months was so hard doing everything alone, never having you here. I think back now and realize, I wasn’t EVER happy with you.. You made me temporarily happy. But it never lasted. I sometimes question if I even ever did love you. Maybe it was infatuation. Maybe I loved having somewhere there at night and to come home to. My mind is all over the place. Sometimes I think I was head over heals. But other times, I think wow I never even loved him. I can’t believe this all has happened in such a short time. I can’t believe I’m just going cold turkey stopping talking to you. I never thought it’d be this hard. I don’t even know why it’s hard. we always fought every single time you called. I told my dad to rip up all the letters from you and not even tell me about them. I took all the money off. Why did it have to come to this? Why did I have to let myself fall so hard for you to begin with? Why couldn’t I walk away 2 years ago. I guess life is cruel at times. And you were just one of it’s bad jokes. But you weren’t such a bad joke after all. You taught me a lot about myself and about life in general. I thank you for that. I love you for that. That was our final goodbye. For good. There’s no turning back now.

Was the first night I slept alone all week. And it sucked. I can’t wait till he moves here so I can sleep in his arms all the time. This last week has been the best week I’ve had in a long time. He got me to take all the money off of Dylan’s phone thing. I’m slowly but surely getting over him. It’s hard. But he’s worth it to me. 

I hate goodbyes.